Welcome to today’s edition of ShentonSTAGE Daily.
“Tomorrow there will be sun
But if not tomorrow perhaps the day after….”
It’s a lifelong journey, for some of us, to find out who we really are. And it’s one of the reasons I keep going to the theatre: it provides me with stories that help me understand myself. Some of these are shattering — one of the first plays I ever saw was Terence Rattigan’s THE DEEP BLUE SEA as a young teenager, and it hit me hard, even though at that age (I was probably 14 at the time), I couldn’t have yet fully comprehended the portrait of unrequited love it offers, and the enveloping depression that follows when those needs are not met. I would experience this pain first hand for myself years later.
But seeing shows like PIPPIN (which I revisited in New York just the other week in a 50th anniversary reunion of some of the original cast), NEXT TO NORMAL (on its first outing on Broadway in 2009, and soon to be given its London premiere at the Donmar Warehouse this summer), and GROUNDHOG DAY (shortly to return to the Old Vic where I first saw it in 2016), shone a deep light on the depressions that would regularly engulf me in the next several decades. (Pictured below is Andy Karl as depressed weatherman Phil Connors in the original production of GROUNDHOG DAY, for which he won an Olivier Award, and will be reprising the role at the Old Vic from May 20; an extract from the lyrics to one song appear at the top of this column).
But if art helps us understand ourselves, I’ve also spent a lifetime trying to run away from myself, too. Addictions are one way of medicating pain. And if they have provided one way of finding relief in (some of) the wrong places, just as I’ve regularly sought love in the wrong places, too,
It was the latter that took me to my first twelve step fellowship ten years ago, dealing in sex addiction and relationships.
And then in the summer of 2019 I stumbled into my second (and now even more significant) twelve step fellowship, dealing with family of origin trauma. I’ve detailed before how this has enabled me to come out of denial about the deficits in my upbringing, and in particular a father who never accepted me.
I no longer need to seek his approval that will never come. I’ve been able to learn to accept myself instead.
But it didn’t happen overnight. I had to do the work — not just wait for a miracle to happen. I used to think that if I just find the right man, or the right job, or the right home — or preferably all three — I’d finally be happy.
We have a saying in 12-steps: “It works if you work it, so work it, you’re worth it.” And thanks to a long journey of self-discovery, I’ve finally found that happiness does not depend on waiting for those things to happen.
But I’ve had to do the work myself to get to that realisation. In a meeting of my “home” group that I attended on Saturday morning, one of the readings had this bit of wisdom to impart:
“Someone once told the following story at a meeting, and it gave me a great image to remember: a traveller wanted to cross a dangerous river. The traveller was told that he could row the boat and look to his Higher Power (whom he called God) to steer. He was also informed that, if he absolutely wanted to, he could take the helm and steer instead, but that God had a policy of not rowing. I always remember this when I am tempted to wait for miracles…. Sometimes what I really want is a magical recovery, preferably one where my Higher Power wipes my late clean in just a few months and I am promptly given the gift of emotional well-being. I see my role as being limited to some in-depth sharing. The rest would be miraculously done for me! Unfortunately it doesn’t quite happen that way. I have to do the rowing.”
I’ve done a lot of rowing over the last three and a half years. Covid was a strange kind of blessing during this time, as it gave me the time and space to focus a lot of my attention on my emotional recovery — and do the work. It was a respite from the engulfing horrors of COVID, and the existential crisis that I found myself facing: if I didn’t have the theatre to define me anymore during this time, who was I? I used the time to find out exactly who.
I’m sharing this today partly to remind myself how far I’ve come — but also in the hope that it might provide someone with a glimmer of hope that there is a way out of depression and desperation, too.
SHOWS AHEAD IN LONDON, SELECTED REGIONAL THEATRES AND ON BROADWAY
My regularly updated feature on shows in London, selected regional theatres and on Broadway is here: https://shentonstage.com/theatre-openings-from-w-c-february-20/
This week I’ll be in London at the openings of TROUBLE IN BUTETOWN tonight at the Donmar and ROMEO AND JULIE at the National’s Dorfman tomorrow, catching up with the ENO’s new production of THE RHINEGOLD on Thursday, and a press preview for the transfer of OKLAHOMA! to Wyndham’s on Friday. And next Saturday I’ll be in Manchester for the opening of a new production of Simon Stephens and Mark Eizel’s SONGS FROM FAR AWAY at Home.
See you here on Friday
I will be back on Friday. If you can’t wait that long, I may also be found on Twitter (for the moment) here: https://twitter.com/ShentonStage/ (though not as regularly on weekends)